I Wanna Get Rich Quick. How Do I?

To get rich quick, you need to start by ignoring your family, your community and your faith and instead focus entirely on yourself. Ready?

Here are the surefire ways to get rich quick:

  1. Quit your job today. If you stay at your job it may take the rest of your career to accumulate a million dollars—if you ever do. Start your quest for instant wealth by walking out the door. Never mind the bridges you’ll burn, you’re going to be rich, quick! Whatever you do, don’t stay at your job for the next 30 years contributing to your 401k—that surefire way to wealth will take too long.
  2. Go to Vegas and bet it all. If you are serious about getting rich fast, head to the nearest casino and gamble until you have achieved wealth. Of course, you understand that it is almost certain that you’ll lose all of your money, but if you don’t bet it all right now, you can’t get rich quick. Whatever you do, don’t put the gambling money in the bank where it will earn interest at a lower rate than 1%.
  3. Bet all of your money on one stock. If you don’t want to go to Vegas to gamble, you can put all of your money on one risky stock. Perhaps it will rise tenfold this year. It’s happened before. Of course, it’s equally likely to go bankrupt as to rise so much. The most likely thing is that it will go up or down a little and you won’t be rich quickly at all. You absolutely don’t want to diversify your portfolio with a dozen or more stocks to eliminate the risk of one filing bankruptcy because that eliminates the benefit of one going up tenfold. More than anything, you don’t want to invest in well-researched collection of mutual funds run by professional managers. The way they work, it could take 30 years of prudent saving and investing to get rich. That’s clearly not for you.
  4. Forgets stocks, invest in options. If you are serious about getting rich quickly, you can use the leverage of options to make your gains even bigger. Options give you the right, but not the obligation to buy (or sell) the underlying stock (or bond, or commodity contract). With a few thousand dollars you can buy options potentially worth a million dollars if just the right, highly unlikely thing occurs. Of course, that means that almost certainly you’ll have lost all of your money on your first investment. But it will have been lots of fun. Of course, you would never want to build your investment portfolio of plain old ordinary mutual funds that can reasonably be expected to appreciate in value consistently over the next thirty years. You don’t have the patience for that.
  5. Not a financier, try entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurs are heroes. They’re cool. They’re sexy. Take all of your money, call yourself an entrepreneur and then think of a business. It’s easy. Never mind that most businesses fail. Ignore the fact that businesses built around the simple premise of making money quickly fail faster than average. The last thing you’d want to do if your goal is to get rich quick, would be to carefully build a team around you that includes people who are generally smarter, older and more experienced who could help you launch a business. Whatever you do, if you want to get rich quick, don’t start a business that you actually care about, where you’d want to work for the next 30 years. That sounds an awful lot like having a job, working hard and waiting a long time to actually become rich.

If none of these strategies sound good to you, perhaps it’s because you don’t really want to get rich quick. Maybe what you really want is to put your family first, to build a career based on integrity, to buy a home where you can raise your children, and to partner with your spouse in the greatest effort in life: to plan to spend quality time with your grandchildren.